DOS to Drain Fountain For Every Student's Birthday

Dean Spellman announced in a campus-wide email this morning that, after receiving a number of complaints from soaked birthday boys and girls, the Dean of Students Office would be draining the Athenaeum Fountain for every student's birthday so as to prevent any future "pondings." This comes after a number of recent steps from DOS aimed at reducing the college's image as "a fun place." In an exclusive interview, Dean Huang cited CMC's high ranking on Princeton Review's "Happiest Students" list as a major factor in the decision. Huang went on to say that, "frankly, this is embarrassing to the school. College is not just a place to be happy. Students should be studying on their birthdays."

Another factor in the cancellation was the Dean's growing worry that the practice of throwing students into a fountain was too "costly to students." Story House has been known to charge hundreds of dollars to watch water splashed on the ground dry after CMC students failed to dry it themselves. Meanwhile, safety concerns have arisen because of an influx of townies at the fountains who often attempt to pond CMS football players.

Recently, DOS has been criticized for its willingness to eliminate long standing CMC traditions. "We understand that ponding people on their birthday is a tradition," Spellman noted in her most recent email, "But CMC students can still pond their friends on their birthdays -- just not in fountains -- or without registering the waterless ponding two weeks beforehand."

This year saw the popular loss of the Madrigal Feast, a temporary cancellation of TNC, and the creation of a short-lived Facebook fan club over the future of the Thesis Fountain Party. Experts predict Spellman's next move may be to implement a Sleeves-Mandatory dress code in North Quad, as she did at Sarah Lawrence.