Dear A Mitch: Is Three Company?

Dear A Mitch,

My boyfriend really wants to have a threesome with me. He says that he knows the perfect girl to do it with. This makes me nervous for a couple reasons… A. I’m not attracted to girls, B. Everyone would probably find out, and C. I am actually jealous that my boyfriend is looking at girls like that. Am I not enough for him? How should I get him to stop asking about threesomes? It is getting old fast.

Yo homegirl,

You could just tell him you will have a threesome with him if next week he gets frisky with you and Federico from Craigslist who is just looking for the right couple. He probs won’t go for that and when he tells you it is “different” tell him okay two girls but one wears a strap on and a Susan Boyle mask. Be careful though because he might say yes and then you have to emotionally prepare yourself for a threesome with an overweight socially inept British woman, as well as the fact that your boyfriend is way kinkier than you thought he was. Don’t worry though, just come up with a safe word and if no one respects the rules I’ll put down the ASCMC Handy Cam and call campus security. Which in the end is a great idea because they’ll sneak the tape out and put it on YouTube, then BANG - you’re starring in a celebrity sex tape! Maybe this isn’t such a bad idea… Susan's on board.

You can’t break a guy’s threesome dreams. It’s like telling your kid he is never going to be a professional basketball player. Sorry hun, your dreams are unrealistic, practice something that doesn’t require mutant genetics. Threesome dreams are sacred, they happen, but where? And how? I don’t know many guys who don’t want one. Nonetheless, it is annoying, and understandably hurtful that he thinks about getting jolly with other gals, even if you’re a part of the party…

But let’s be honest, your boyfriend does look at other women sexually. Can you really say there aren’t any men around here you would undress for in a millisecond if you were single? Have you ever glimpsed into Brett Spencer’s eyes? Which totally doesn’t mean you want Brett to be the right side of your Eiffel Tower, just that you think he’s a sexy man. I know your boy took it a step further, having selected a girl before even talking to you about it, but I don’t imagine he put much though into it. He probably heard a story about this chick being bisexual and thinks he can convince her to get naughty with ya’ll on his little ass twin bed. Which I think would be a feat in itself. Talk about sexual boundaries.

So now that I have confused you, talk to your boy. You may have been voicing your aversion to a threesome for a while now, which for whatever reason hasn’t gotten your point across: One is fun, two is cool, and three is fine as long as it doesn’t have a vagina. Have you ever sat him down and told him, “Hey, you’re driving me crazy with this, and I am kind of sad you want some other girl.” If he’s a decent guy he’ll say, “Whoa, I didn’t realize it bothered you so much. You’re the only girl I actually want.” You might feel better in one conversation. In the end, he wants to have this experience with you, and without you, there is no threesome. Not even a twosome. Know that and remind him.

-Amitch