Dear A Mitch: The Shower Nuns

Dear A Mitch,

Our neighbor is nasty... and enjoys doing the nasty. Lately, he has taken to doing the nasty in the one clean and sacred space: the girls' shower. This is particularly infuriating because his own bathroom is a mere 5 feet away and HIS GIRLFRIEND DOES NOT GO TO CMC. What is the best way to make sure he keeps his business where it belongs? His room or the boys' shower.

Love,

The Shower Nuns

Shower Nazis,

This sickens me. Absolutely effing disgusts me. I am so happy you asked this question, because I feel like countless co-ed floors at CMC have that token guy with a Scripps girlfriend that always has sex in the ladies' bathroom. It’s really disheartening knowing someone has the audacity to do this with so much sterile soap and body wash around. Ewwww! I can only imagine all the little underdeveloped children swimming in the pipes of your own building! Is this even legal? Can we picket? When are elections? Prop 19: De-legalize shower sex. It is, after all, a gateway location. Eventually the shower is boring, mundane, amateurish. People will move to hot tubs, then, heaven forbid, the ocean. Am I the only one against salty, public, ocean sex? Jesus Christ.

Okay, let's face the "nasty" truth: who isn't guilty of shower sex in the dorms? Only when it’s not you and your boo does it become just fucking gross. Here's the thing though, your "sacred shower" is filled with dead skin and bacteria that sprays off your body onto the walls every day. Logically speaking, showers are nersty, and just because your body-boosting, nectar-scented conditioner makes the joint smell fruity, it's not really all that clean. This being said, I do understand why your stomach is turning at the thought of tadpoles fossilizing in your shower. I twinge every Sunday morning when I slide open our molding shower curtain, wondering what microorganisms might be plastered to the tiles. Which is why my floor installed a black light to call people out. Our bathroom is so bright it has become a self-sustaining energy source.

So how do you get this freak-a-leek and his girlfriend to use the men’s room? Signs. Don’t watch the movie, find a marker and masking tape. Tape two parallel strips on a wall next to the shower and write across them: “This shower is for girls to clean themselves, not for boys and Scrippsies to nastify.” The purpose isn’t to vilify Scripps girls, but to make sure there will be no mistaking the addressees. Why is all this necessary? you may wonder.

Probably the only reason the couple uses the women’s room is because the girl feels more comfortable there. She doesn’t want her naked body spotted by other guys. Which is extremely reasonable; the girl’s bathroom is safe. Plus, there’s a handicapped shower for sit-down sex. It’s a win-win, minus the clumps of hair floating around your ankles because the drain is clogged with, you guessed it, more hair.

Don’t forget, there’s always a direct, less passive-aggressive way to approach these situations. Ask them to stop, up front – courageously defend your bathing sanctuary. Nothing is clearer than your true feelings, including an aversion to other people having sex in your shower. I think signs are funny and make a point, but don't hold the strength of words exchanged in person.

If their promiscuity continues on your feminine territory, wait for them to get going, rip the curtain open mid-moan and ask them (kindly) to leave. People might call you crazy, but at least the man goods will be gone. That is until you nuns have boyfriends… or girlfriends. Next week's topic: Nuns with Girlfriends. Stay tuned.