Dear A Mitch: My Roommate is a Chronic Masturbator

Dear A Mitch,

My roommate is a chronic masturbator. I’ve walked in on him like six times already and every time he says something like, “oh, my bad, can you come back in 10 minutes.” It grosses me out. I don’t even want to tell you how many times I’ve seen his junk. He is a decently cool dude, but he is crossing the line. Advice?

Anonymous

Cock Watcher,

Wow, sounds like this guy has a high masturbatabolism.  I don’t know if that is something to criticize or be impressed by. I’d say the latter. What if you had that kind of masturbatabolism? Maybe you wouldn’t be so jealous. You’d probably be in there together having races and 4 out of 7 playoffs. “Bullshit, I was distracted! Let’s go 5 out of 9.” I won’t judge you though; I understand your feelings of inferiority. It’s tough living with the Ussein Bolt of penis stroking.

Needless to say, as much as we’d like to, we can’t masturbate every second of our lives, and we can’t just whip it out whenever the urge hits. It offends people. I suspect most folks feel uneasy when they catch a glimpse of their friend doing naughty pleasure rubs on his or her no-nos. That’s the thing though, this terminology, no-nos and naughty body parts, is a product of our oppressive society that stigmatizes overly sexual individuals. Why? At some point in history a population decided that wieners and vajayjay caves were dirty and sinful. And now people's lives are broken, their relationships devalued, because some god said, “sorry humans, I am going to give you a natural instinct and then curse you for acting on it. Good luck. By the way, don’t masturbate either.” It seems backwards to me, but that doesn’t change the circumstance you’ve found yourself in. The awkwardness, that is.

This issue is a matter of personal space. Your dorm should be your sanctuary, an area where you can let your guard down and not stress about the judgments others continuously impress upon you. This is not the case when your roommate is treating himself like a one-handed semen manufacturer who must save the world one million wriggling sperms at a time. Although it doesn’t sound like your roommate is malicious in his hornyness - a little oblivious to standard roomie etiquette, sure, but certainly not on purpose. You have to educate him. As strange of a conversation you imagine it might be, remember he doesn’t care that you catch him mid-stroke on the regular. So the awkwardness, be there any, is on you.

When his pants are up and his computer screen isn’t displaying Porn Hub’s home page, talk to him. Tell him when you walk in the room after class and he’s beating full-force to Japanese anime porn, you feel uncomfortable. Also, feel free to let him know that when the top bunk is softly shaking before bed, you cannot sleep. Just try not to approach him in a derogatory manner. He is who he is, and you calling him a freak or attacking his character is going to be unproductive in sealing the gap between your lifestyles. If he’s not receptive to your suggestions (warning text, or a sign on the door), then maybe it’s time to look for a new roommate.

In general, whatever the issue is, know that an ounce of contempt goes a long way when you are living in a little ass room with another for a year. Talk about your beef, be understanding, masturbate in the shower.

Love,

A Mitch