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Dear A Mitch: Measuring Up

November 23, 2010

Alex Mitchell
Dear A Mitch: Measuring Up

Dear A Mitch,

Like many of my peers I went through a nasty breakup with my hometown boo before coming to school this year. I’m as satisfied as I’m ever going to be with our relationship being over--we haven’t acknowledged each other’s existence since before leaving for school--but I can’t help but compare every guy I start to get intimate with to him. And to my dismay, none of them ever quite measure up. How do I get over this and move on? I’m ready to be happy with someone new but it’s not fair to the guy if I’m always expecting him to act the same way my ex did, even if he’s not aware of the comparison. Help me move on!



Boy Measurer,

No one is measuring up to your ex? You need help moving on? Let me ask you this: are you really looking for solid advice? Or solid, um, proof that there are CMCers who absolutely “measure up?” Because, I mean, I can do both if you want.  Seriously though, I’m not trying to make any assumptions about the ulterior motives of your question.  (You know what they say about people who assume…they are sex panthers.)  Kitty is on the proowwl.

Now my dear, let’s get down to business: when I read your question I laughed out loud. I’m not talking full-blown LOL. It was really more of a weak smile. Like when I watch The Office and wish Dwight were still funny. Think about your “situation.”  You’ve been in college less than three months.  I know CMCers have high expectations, but damn lady--maybe you should reevaluate your mission. If I were you I’d be hunting men like their dicks were Starbucks gift cards. Sample the selection. Didn’t CMC men just get ranked super hot or something? Isn’t there a calendar being made of the sexiest men? Hold on, can I be in it? How great is Terrence Caldwell going to look in those jorts he pretends are part of an old Halloween costume? Probs crazy fly!

Bottom line: TWO AND A HALF MONTHS! Golly gee willikers, most freshmen haven’t even done laundry yet. The relationship you developed with your hometown honey didn’t happen immediately. You got to know each other. You gradually grew to compliment one anther, like fine wine and cheese, or caffeine and alcohol. You became one, a Four Loko. Then bam, in one rational and healthy judgment call, the caffeine is gone, and you are looking for your next boost. But you’ve got to remember Four Lokos can’t just be replicated, and neither can your past relationship. It will take time, experience, and commitment to find a drink of such gloriously intoxicating quality.

Bummer, I know. The real question though, why haven’t you spoken a word to your ex? You paint your breakup as a logistic conclusion, so why not give the guy a call? I bet you’re creeping his Facebook profile anyway. It might help to talk to someone you care about, at least as a friend. Maybe you’ll be reminded of the qualities you like in a guy. Or maybe you’ll realize this person is better than anything you could hope for at CMC. Whether your breakup was smooth or not, you signed your question "Not-so-over-it."

So just be easy, baby. Search your own mind for what you find important in a relationship. What is attractive to you? Whatever you come up with, know it will take more than a one-week crush to develop. And as always, if your pursuit for the perfect man fails, you can always summon the sex panther. I’ll be in the black velour Juicy sweatsuit under your window. Meow.

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