Dear A Mitch: Hypothetically Speaking

Dear A Mitch,

Hypothetical rationing: So, let's say I have a crush on a girl that I am friends with. I am attracted to her in more than just a casual, "I'd love the opportunity to hook up with her," kind of way. Like most CMCers, she’s got it all: great personality, good outlook on life, and an amazing body to match. If I were to tell her, with the help of some liquid courage, that I like her, and then find out that she doesn't like me back in that way, would it make things awkward between us at this small school until we graduate?

Sincerely,

Over-thinking Things

Imaginary Friend,

Let’s pretend this is a hypothetical situation where you took the time to write a question out about this hypothetical girl who you are hypothetically attracted to in only the most theoretical way. And in this supposed (using synonyms for hypothetical now) circumstance, you wonder if telling her will hypothetically (Word 2007 thesaurus = failing me) make your relationship awkward for the next three years of your college experience? Hypothetically, I have no clue.

Let’s be real, if you’ve ever read this column, you know what I’m going to say. Go for what you want, you’ll regret it if you don’t, blah blah blah-type advice your mom’s co-worker could have told you in a dreadfully inspirational Facebook status: Don’t wait for the perfect moment – take the moment and make it perfect! Which is cool, whatever, feel inspired, I say go for it, but maybe try to carve out a moment that doesn’t mimic Jonah Hill a la Superbad. The “liquid courage” will undoubtedly boost your self-esteem, but I doubt it will help you articulate your feelings. I can see it now: your confession of love via vodka-spiked vomit. That’s gross man, don’t do it.

Why don’t you take a trip down sober lane, where you can say what you intend and remember her response. As sweaty as your palms might be just thinking about that moment, the feeling only lasts so long. Whether she smiles in agreement, or lets you down with the cop-out--“you’re flattering, but I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship"--you said what you had to say, and can move on. Crushed heart or not, your anxiety will dissipate--at least you tried.

As for the most popular word in college vocabulary, awkward, I’m positive you’ll be able to attribute it to your relationship as friends, lovers, or even frovers (friends and lovers – the fruit of successful relationships). I would generally say something like, “situations are only as awkward as you make them,” but shit, not everyone is confident enough to have a normal conversation with the person who just turned them down. In case this happens, take some time off from your daily interactions with her. Develop other hypothetical crushes and hang out with her when you’re ready to be an un-awkward friend. If you can’t seem to get over it, do drugs and watch third-world documentaries until you’re humbled enough to put your self-loathing state of denied romantic interest into perspective. Hypothetically, of course.

Love,

A Mitch