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Dear A Mitch: A Continental Divide

December 14, 2010

Alex Mitchell
Dear A Mitch: A Continental Divide

Dear A Mitch, 

I've fallen for someone I met this summer.  The feelings are mutual.  We stay in touch often.  This person is everything that I have been looking for (and more) and is truly remarkable.  The problem is, we live on different continents, and it doesn't look like this will change any time soon. Should I give up on having a relationship with such an amazing person, be patient and hope for the best, or sort of half-ass it somewhere in between?  It's worth mentioning that meaningless hookups disgust me, and this isn't infatuation.


Clueless in Claremont


Note: I am writing as if you are a heterosexual male despite my suspicion you are a girl who likes boys.

Mah Sir, I imagine you a classy man. Maybe it is the disgust you have for meaningless hookups. I agree with you. After all, sex is for reproduction, and babies are for eating, so going around accidentally producing un-Kosher baby meat is, as you said, disgusting. It is a disgusting world we live in, a land flooded with sexual overtones. I threw up in LA yesterday when I walked past the American Apparel store. Mannequins these days have no decency.

To be honest, long-distance relationships can be awesome. There is something about pixilated Skype boobies that trumps the malleable perfection of hands touching skin. Who would rather get laid than have a little solo sexy time while their roommate is in class? Not me. Let’s be real here, blow jobs are for people that have never invested in a high quality lotion. Spend a day with a cucumber melon scented penis and tell me there are better options out there. Bath and Body Works is never on its period.

Okay, okay, let’s get serious. Having a transcontinental relationship is like riding an ostrich: it's hard to hold on and altogether senseless unless you have a video camera and a fighting urge to contradict nature. Meet a girl in the summer and long-distance date them until you graduate. Sounds like a recipe for brownies without butter. But I suppose it can be done. I'll be your vegan substitute.

So you have options. Break the situation down for yourself. One brick at a time, like Young Jeezy. I’ll help. This person seems perfect. Yet you are in college and even if “hooking up” is not your scene, there are a lot of datable girls here in Claremont. You never know who you might meet in a class next semester. These situations carry a lot of questions, “what if” type dilemmas. Can I afford this plane ticket? Will I regret this shit for the rest of my life? Is my girlfriend getting laid at this exact moment?

These aren’t questions I can necessarily answer for you. I can’t foresee much of the future besides retro capes growing popular with Hipsters. In my ignorance of your reality, however, I do have one concrete recommendation: don’t half-ass it. Make a decision. Be a good boyfriend or be a potential boyfriend to some girl here who also hates casual touching. Nothing good comes from putting half the effort into an intimate relationship...unless your intimate relationship is with intramural sports.

Bottom line, deciding to make this long-distance thing work doesn’t mean you’ll be stuck dating the girl forever. This isn’t a resolution to ink your forearm. Try it as long as you want. If you hear the collegiate clock ticking in you conscience, do what you gotta do. Breaking up now doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll never reconnect. You don’t even need serendipity. You have Facebook.


A Mitch

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