The Forum (newspaper)
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Valentine’s Day is a day of magic. A day when love seeps in through our porous ozone layer, and fills the proverbial air like LA smog on the San Gabriel Mountains. An occasion when it’s socially acceptable for adult strangers to give candy to little children. A day where that “500 feet” looks more like “400 feet” on the court issued restraining order. It’s a day where our lives resemble Hallmark cards and those happy fun-loving commercials for genital herpes medication. To many charming men and women, it’s the most romantic day of the year. To the rest of us men who prefer urinating in a standing position and cringe at the thought of a piece of paper setting us back four dollar menu items, it’s a whole different ballgame. Having found myself in similar past situations, here’s a last second check-list to enjoying Valentine’s Day on a budget.
Flowers (Dozen Roses)
General Retail Cost: $25
Two Finger Discount: $3.75
Anyone who tries to tell you that money doesn’t grow on trees clearly hasn’t purchased flowers in the month of February. If I were a frugal investor I would buy a lot of stock in Roses come January. That way I wouldn’t find myself selling my roommate’s Pokemon trading cards via ebay, just to buy a dozen of those cash cows come February.
Fortunately for us, flowers do grow on trees… more or less. And Wal-Mart is having a special on gardening shears… Coincidence?... I think not.
Card
General Retail Cost: $4
Two Finger Discount: Free
Since when did the competitive market decide that greeting cards should be priced at $4? If you’re like me, and would rather tattoo the lyrics of “Eiffel 65- I’m Blue” to your forehead than give Hallmark another $4, go and make a card of your own. Just leave out the creepy mix-tape you made your ex-girlfriend in high school.
Dinner
General Retail Cost: $75 (including tip)
Two Finger Discount: Free (hospital Bill will vary depending on insurance plan)
My fictitious crazy uncle used to tell me, “Matt, the only meal you’ll ever need to provide a girl with, is breakfast. It’s only the girls that stay the night that are worth the trouble”. What he failed to acknowledge was that, unless I plan on breaking just about every law known to man, this girl has to want to spend the night. So, rather than investing in kidnapping devices, invest in a nice dinner for you and your partner in crime. Take her out to the nicest place on the town. There’s only one catch. When your meal arrives, sneak some broken glass in with your filet mignon. Take a bite, swallow, and the bill will take care of itself. Just be prepared for the worst bowel movement since the morning after 6:01.
Chocolate
General Retail Cost: $20
Two Finger Discount: $20
Chocolate is like a girl’s emotional insurance plan. Unless you plan on dumping her on Valentine’s Day (which I must say, would be highly economical) she won’t actually eat the chocolate. Nevertheless she needs to have it. Whatever you do down the road to cause her to succumb to chocolate therapy will likely be worth the $20.
An Evening of Financially Responsible Romance: Priceless