Guardian Ethic

If you were to believe the shameless pandering during last night's speeches, you’d begin to think that CMCers cared about one thing and one thing alone: partying. Now don’t get me wrong, I love raging and all. Nothing brightens my Thursday night like downing a forty of malt liquor and causing havoc. But I am pretty sure that if you throw a couple of kegs in the middle of north quad and call it a party, we’ll be able to manage. If you could come up with a half-assed theme, we’ll be all the merrier. To be honest, I don’t think anyone in the history of the world has ever had a problem entertaining themselves when they were wasted. Frankly, I’d rather ASCMC focus on things that Jack Daniels and Jim Bean can’t already provide for me. For example, what if they tried bring more employers to our campus. With the economy tanking, we need CMC’s help finding internships and post-graduation employment more than ever.  If ASCMC and the rest of our student government is to ever be anything more than fodder for the resumes of the over-ambitious it has to break the mold. Right now it is nothing more than a glorified party planning agency.

However, as long as these positions continue to be democratically elected, this is never going to happen. The only thing cool in our frat boy culture is those events associated with the killing of brain cells.  Sadly, the only way to get our votes is to pretend like Sunday-Wednesday is an inconsequential portion of the week.

So in a sentence: the voters are idiots. Yeah I’m talking about you.  It’s not the candidate’s fault that the only thing ever mentioned is alcohol; it’s our own damn fault.  A democratic election is only as valuable as its constituent voters. A populace that is uniformly biased in one direction—in our case towards electing the most John Belushiesque candidate—cannot help but produce flawed results.

The only solution to this seemingly insoluble problem is to get rid of the democratic process all together.  Let’s have an “elite” council of Guardians within ASCMC appoint the various positions. Those are the people who most understand the rigors of the job and who are best positioned to find the most qualified applicant.

Now, if this was instituted, I’m sure lots of people would bitch and moan. I got that covered don’t worry. All we would need is sham elections. ASCMC could just “count” the votes in such a way as to make sure their candidate wins. That way everyone ends up happy. We get the warm fuzzy feeling that our vote made a difference, while still electing those most qualified to lead our campus. Damn…this doesn’t even sound that bad. I am not so sure I am even joking anymore.

(Corrected: John, not Jim Belushi)