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Do Dat What?

June 9, 2009

by Alex Mitchell
Do Dat What?

I hate 87% of mainstream rap. Hate it like Scripps hates intolerance. If you don’t hate it, I hate you. I’d literally rather have my wang cut off than sit in traffic listening to "Do the Godamn Stanky Legg." Are people absolutely retarded? “Ay you better bang yourself cause I can tell that you're hot. I hope you wind it up, lean back and show your socks.” You always hear underground rap artists making statements about sellout mainstream artists- I don’t even think that’s possible when concerning the G-Spot Boyz. Stanky Legg sounds like someone gave a bunch of ghetto ass Down syndrome kids a pad of paper and an eighth of hash and told them to make the biggest piece of shit possible. Mission accomplished.

All this started when the industry snuck a prairie dog in the mix- Lil’ Jon and the Eastside Boys came out with crunk music. I’ll admit I listened to it, but only because the Easter Bunny put their CD in my basket. I should have gone to the pet store and killed its family for attempting to lower my intelligence. David Banner and Mike Jones followed, rendering equally terrible music. In 2007 Soldja Boy Tell ‘Em unleashed "Superman Dat Ho." For those who are unaware, “supermanning a ho,” by Urban Dictionary’s definition, is when a guy jizzes on a girl's back and attaches a sheet to simulate a cape. Some of you may remember Tyler Lay’s 2007 Halloween costume: A Soulja Boy outfit with a stereo playing 17 tracks of, “Watch me dooooooooo, crank that soulja boy." People laughed, I did too, and then I died a little bit inside.

T-Lay had it right though, these so called rappers are really just actors that come up with a song catchy enough to sell. I think they are comedians, so bad one can’t but question the seriousness of the artist. Did I say artist? Sorry I meant asshole. “But Alex, they are just trying to make some money, why are you hating.” I’m not hating on the rappers. Well...yeah, I am. However, it wouldn’t matter how preposterous rappers were if there was some sort of filter on what hits the airway. Can there be a panel that says hell no, do dat laffy taffy, are you kidding me? Nonetheless, there is not, and radio stations do what they can to get the most listeners. The thing is, I think they would get just as many listeners if they put on quality rap that has the same poppy type rhythm that attracts people before they even know what a song is about. Want a playlist anyone?

I couldn’t tell you the names of all dudes I hear in other people’s cars. And I’m glad, because if I could, I might have to do a round of radiation to burn out the awfulness I’d been infected with. People at TNC say the only reason they listen to mainstream rap is to dance. Dance your heart away, I’m going to drink Captain Mo until I don’t understand what is coming out of the speakers.

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