Dear A Mitch: Sisters & Vibrators

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Dear A Mitch,

I’m a junior at CMC with a little problem on my hands. My roommate and I have been really good friends since we first roomed together freshman year and I would like to keep things going the way they’ve been. The problem is his little sister. She is a freshman at Pomona and the two of us have crazy sexual tension. I think we would make a good couple but I’m not sure if it will hurt my friendship.

Dear Friend,

Like Shakespeare once wrote, “Bros before hoes.” But you can’t let William run your life. If you take the classiest steps through this social minefield, I’m confident that you can have your pie and screw it too (home baked, no McDonalds).

Step one: Talk to your roommate. If he’s really your friend, give him the respect he deserves by not sneaking around with his sis. Give him this argument; “She’s going to hook up someone eventually, why not let me be a good guy to her (assuming you’re not a d bag)?” Hopefully he’ll agree and give you the okay.

Step two: Don’t be a d bag. Pretend this girl’s father is Kimbo Slice. This campus is as big as Karl Rove’s conscience, okay, you fool around on her and everyone will know. Don’t give your roommate the chance to hate you for playing his sister. Be good to her, and if it doesn’t work out in the end, be gentlemanly with the break-up. If you follow these easy steps, you and your roomie should be fine. If he hates you after this, he needs a check-up. From the neck up. Word.

Much Success,

A Mitch

Dear A Mitch,

I am a resident in an undisclosed dorm. There is a girl on my floor who lets the world know that she is having an orgasm almost every night with her vibrator. How do I approach her? I don’t want to embarrass her, but if she keeps doing this it is only going to get worse. People come and hang out for the 10 o’clock show. It’s a dorm joke.

Wow. Well you have to say something. Being a quality person means that you tell folks when there is something in their teeth, when their fly is open, and especially when they are sharing their experiences with the Aphrodite “Sure Thing” - even if will be awkward. If you can’t muster the courage to inform her, tell your RA about the problem. Chances are, he or she already knows and simply hasn’t acted.

If you have no fear of confronting this girl, be nice about it. Don’t tell her the dorm has happy hour outside of her room, but let her know that you have heard her a couple of times. Most likely, she’ll get rosy cheeked and thank you. If she shrugs her shoulders uninterestedly, there is not much to do except tell your RA and start making dollaz. I’d pay for this show.

Much Success,

A Mitch