Dear A Mitch: SEX! Kind Of

Dear A Mitch,

My roommate might be gay, I’m not totally sure he is though. I don’t have any problem with him being gay. The reason I think he is is because he is super sexual and inappropriate with me when we drink. I’m not gay, and I get really uncomfortable when he does gay things to me. Should I ask him if he’s gay or what? I don’t want to be a homophobe, but if he is gay, I don’t know if I want to live with him.

Homoprobe,

Here’s the thing about gay people: they don’t have any feelings. Oh, wait, nope, no that’s Republicans. My bad. See, I’ve never been in this situation, but I imagine the best way to approach it is by treating him like any other friend that is making you uncomfortable. The next time he does something that makes you feel awkward, try saying this: “Yo, Jtone, please stop trying to kiss my neck. It makes me feel super uncomfortable. So don’t do that shit.” If he continues to do things you don’t like, you need to have the sober chat, which should go something like what I just told you, only he’ll be sober and hopefully more receptive. If this doesn’t work, next time he makes you feel uneasy, tazer him. You can classically condition these experiences away.

About questioning his sexuality, I think you should leave it alone. If he is gay, let him tell you on his own terms. It’s not your business, and you might really offend him by asking. If it is bothering you too much, try a paradigm shift on what it means to have a gay roommate. You might be scared you’ll have to listen to Abba’s “Dancing Queen” and sleep with your ass to the wall, when in reality your friend will be the same person he was before. If he’s gay, think about all the pluses. You might get all the inside information on his lady friends. Like, “did you know Emily is looking for someone to use her new anal beads with? Drop her a line about your kinkiness, and you’re in the backdoor.” Think about it, you’ll get an accurate reply about the quality of your outfits, and there should be absolutely no competition for girls. If none of this satisfies you, you can always find out everything you need the easy way. Next TNC when he is getting a little too frisky, just get a little frisky back. If you end up making out, you’ll have your answer.

Also, claiming you’re not a homophobe while saying you wouldn’t want to live with a gay person is like pro-lifers supporting the death penalty. So if you’re prejudiced, don’t pretend like you’re not. It’s transparent.

-A Mitch

Dear A Mitch,

I want to date this guy, but he has hooked up with a bunch of people on campus, even one of my best friends. He is kinda putting himself out there for me and says he wants more than a hookup. I don’t really trust him at all. Should I go for it?

Pretty Lady,

Fuck yeah. Look, if we didn’t go to a college smaller than most students’ high schools, you would have no idea how many ladies he has snuggled. People get so hung up on who a person gets down with, but as adults, the chances of knowing someone’s sexual history before you get with them are about as slim as this woman in the seat next to me. No just kidding, she is one over slim. Dang lady can a brotha get some elbow space. Really though, anything sexual is only as big as you make it out to be.

If you haven’t noticed, for many people college is a time of sexual promiscuity. Just because this chief has jockeyed a few phillies doesn’t mean he is a liar. If you know he has a history of giving girls the Jim Cramer screw, sure, be wary. But this still doesn’t mean he’s a bad idea. One girl can change a lot for a guy.

You gotta make him earn it though.

Guys often get disinterested in women who throw themselves out there. I am not telling you to play games with him; no one likes a Monopoly chick (they take forever to get with). Just don’t give him the quick and easy. Let him take you out to dinner, then grab the bill so he knows you can do without him. Essentially, what you need to do is take away the convenience of a TNC hookup to find out if he really has any aspirations to date you. You can never be sure, but leaving the CMC environment will definitely inform you a little more about this guy’s intentions. In the end he is a man that wants to get laid, you just need to determine who’s on top.

-A Mitch

Editor's Note: This piece, as its tone and content suggest, is offered as light humor. Any stereotypes mentioned or claims offered should be taken casually and in good spirits.