How to Seduce Pam Gann

October 24, 2008

Before you read, please see our disclaimer on The Forum's content policies. Also, author's disclaimer: I love Pam Gann.

She was the steamy dean at Duke Law for eleven years, author of bestselling fantasy/fiction novel, Corporate Taxation and Partnership Taxation., and despite the many, many (oh, and did I mention many?) bets placed against her, surprised thousands of students in Bridges Auditorium last year when she did not mispronounce "Bono" as "Boh-noh."  Given her outstanding achievements it's easy to see why usually testosterone-pumped guys and your everyday Motley girls buckle under with fear at the hint of seducing the minx-like Pam Gann.

Fellas, cool your jets, and girls, stop chewing on that stirring stick so hard, because this is a sure-fire way to get the Gannster out of those stuffy law-school robes and puffy hat and into your baggy t-shirt for a morning-after cup of joe.

A wise man once said, "Read my lips, no…new…taxes." Remember, that man has nothing to do with your tumultuous, torrid, scandal-causing date-night that you are about to embark upon. For starters, take a knife to a plain t-shirt and slice giant slash marks through it, as she might think you were attacked by a wild cougar and become jealous. Why? Because she is a major Cougar and will want to leave bigger, more blood-stained slash marks in your clothing before the night is done. Needless to say, you'll look baller and pounceable and that, my friend, is a good start. Meow.

The seduction of a woman is never complete unless the man is willing to pay for something, a dowry if you will. For instance, I once paid $2.50 for a cup of Starbucks coffee for a girl, in hopes that I would receive in return the shazaam, the double-blind, the heart-stoppin' lip gloss poppin' ridgio share-smacker…you know, a kiss. Three minutes after I bought her the coffee I went in for it, eyes closed tight, because after all, I'm a romantic. I ended up bumping her hand and spilling the scalding coffee all over her face and down her shirt. I spent that night in the hospital, alone, while she was treated for third-degree burns, completely neglecting me. Never did get that kiss…Bitch.

But how do you impress a woman who habitually receives 200 million dollar checks in the mail? Remember, my eager compadres, that Gann is a Southern Belle. Therefore, firmly resolve to take her to a place worthy of the dignity, respect, and honor for which the great South stands for...namely, Taco Bell. The cramped, filthy atmosphere will be reminiscent of a double-wide and a perfect way to make her feel like she's back in the South. When ordering, whisper softly, softly into her ear, "Hey…you know what's good here? The stuff on the value menu." Top off the Grande meal with an order of cinnamon twists to share. As she reaches her delicate, smooth hands into the greasy, grainy bag, reach for a twist as well and gently graze your hand against hers. Your eyes will meet and look longingly at each other. Once that happens- BOOM, door open and you, my friend, are on your way towards something reaaaal special.

But before figurative fireworks made by figurative Chinese children under the figurative age of 8 explode, you must face the drive back from the date. Want to seal the deal? Here's how. Blast "Barbie Girl" as loud as possible with the windows down. For those of you who don't understand the effect, I'll explain, although I highly suggest you watch the YouTube videos. The Gannster will go nuts and act like she's back in the 1920's drinkin' hooch at the ole' gin mill and dancin' the Charleston until her gams fall off. After that, all systems are a go. Congratulations, sailor, you've swept her off of her feet.