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Gag Me (but not literally...)

November 17, 2008

by Ian McGinnity

Last week, Kyle Ragins posted the article "SEX!!!!" which shared some statistics about the sex life at CMC and the Claremont Consortium. Everyone loves sex statistics, especially when it means getting dirty info about what the percentage rate of genital warts is at CMC (shockingly, 4.7%) and later playing a game with friends entitled, "Who gotsda awkward private topography?" in which....well I'm sure you can guess how to play. However, I was a bit dismayed that the statistics said nothing about the use of sex toys...specifically, ball gags. Allow me to explain/reminisce/recall memories that I have been trying to repress. Ah, freshman year, full of innocence, eagernesss, and naievity. Innocence that will inevitably be ruined, eagerness that will fade, and the naivety that your roommate won't have sex in your room while you sleep that is destined to be crushed.

Walk-ins happen. Sure, it's awkward, but thankfully, it's momentary and life (hopefully not a new one...) continues unabated. So last year when I bumbled into my room and witnessed shiznit going down, I immediately closed the door, threw up a little, and politely asked my roommate to, if at all possible, lock the door next time. Problem solved.

Or not. A week after the first incident, I stopped by my neighbor's room after Russian to say hello.

"Hello," I said.

"Hey. Oh by the way, you might want to tell your roommate to close the door when he's having sex. I think some girl walked by and saw them. She looked pretty disturbed..." he said.

"Rut-roh..." said I.

When I talked about it with my roommate, we decided that leaving the door open was a small, small step backwards from not locking the door and less than ideal. We actually had a good laugh about the whole thing. That is until we found out that the girl who saw them was his girlfriend's little sister...

Well thankfully we reached an understanding, or at least so I thought. It happened in the middle of a cloudy day, a day perfect for taking naps. I passed out in my bed in a board-like body position and ended up curled up like a fetus, facing the wall. I was resting comfortably until, upon receiving a text message, I woke up to realize that I might have died and gone to hell. Still, even for hell, this would be too terrible an event for someone to endure.

Mental Recap: Hear heaving noise. Roommate drunk at 3:00pm? Probably. Make sure he isn't throwing up which might lead to his death Jimmy Hendricks style; turn over to see what's going on. Oh Dear God, Dear God, Dear God. It's like something out of the discovery channel...but worse...wait, is this going on while I'm in the room? What is that... duct-tape around her wrists? This is messssssedup.

It was soon to get much worse as I heard,

"Do you want to try it?"

"I don't know if we should while he's...."

"Come on, let's try it."


"Sweet, I'll go get it."

While I laid there trying to decide whether I should awkwardly run out of the room while flailing my limbs and screaming like Boba Fett when he gets pushed into the  Pit Carkoon to be eaten by the Sarlacc (so I liked Star Wars as a adolescent...okay fine. It's my WORLD) or whether to continue sleeping like a respective fetus, praying that my respective mother fell down some respective stairs,  my curiosity got the best of me.

I looked over just for a second to see what object was being fetched. It was just enough time for me to see my roommate grab a red, rubber ball gag from out of a bag, strap it on his partner who tried to say something but it ended up sounding like, "Mrrrgphhh", and then, re-mount.

I silently wept as the muffled moans began, continued, and finally ended.

I don't remember how I got out of the room, but I'm pretty sure that afterward I immediately drank copious amounts of alcohol in a failed attempt to kill enough brain cells so that I wouldn't remember anything. But because I remember this awful event, I wanted to know whether or not this type of activity is frequent occurance on the Claremont campuses. Needless to say, I was very disappointed to find that the statistics did not cover the use of ball gags. Maybe someday, someone will be able to shed some light on this subject. I would be very interested to hear people's thoughts on this issue.

Unfortunately I can't write anymore. I have an appointment with my therapist in 30...

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